emotional me

it's my birthday, thankyouverymuch. (to the tune of in da club by 50 cent, on loop today because.) aside from the pressure from officemates who want a tenth of the harvest in the form of pizza/coffee/lunch, i feel christmas-y today, because it's a hundred days to christmas! there's nostalgia and excitement over the smell of tinsel and fresh bills, and at the idea of family, love and lazing around.

the past days have been tough because i was overwhelmed with work. i cant say im tired, i wont say im tired. if im in denial, so be it. i wont say im tired.

i think im not used to the idea of work. ive had it pretty easy the past couple of years, and now i feel like a real employee, working hours and thinking about work until i lose consciousness over sleep. i told gail last night that im just not cut out for that life. i can just imagine the working moms. they dont have it easy. i mean, im not having easy but i cant complain because my baby is a grown mature man (albeit super cute).

i want to be able to use my time for daydreaming, for writing, for ingesting information; instead of forcing myself to gorge out words devoid of meaning (in its truest sense). i want to be able to iron our clothes (not obsessed :p), craft (dreaming is free), wash the dishes, prepare breakfast everyday without fail, plan our travels, plan our future. i used to be able to do all those until i accepted new responsibilities.

to be clear and fair, i dont run out of work time. i take around 10 to 12 hours of work to finish my day's tasks, but before i used to only take around 4 to 6 optimized hours and then im off to more important things. im not busy, im just not used to this new setup.

the consequences are difficult to handle. i get irritated easily (cant you move faster, can you keep quiet - thoughts on the road), i feel a bit numb to happy stuff i used to go crazy about, im starting to take for granted intangible but highly important stuff.

or maybe i just got older? no, not a reason nor an excuse. life tricks us no, blessings can be trials, and vice versa. i pray that i get to cope faster to this new schedule so that i get to turn on the happy again. im waiting on God as i take it a step at a time. gail is on my side through all of this, making sure that im all right and that i still can stretch my face for a smile. my prince is taking over house chores (preparing breakfast and handling bills) while i take ten more minutes of sleep.

im not ranting because it's my birthday and ill do what i wanna. im permanently placing this in my little web space in the hope for an encouragement for all of us when i get better, when i win over this. this is a testimony in the making. ill be back with the victory report, but in the meantime lemme hug my beybeh and my loves. (see you tintin and totskie!)

credits to tan for the photo